Now Hiring

Many of my classmates get money in the mail or straight into their bank account from their parents. Some get a monthly "allowance," some simply call their parents when they're having an emergency of the dollars. And they get checks in the mail or direct deposits, just for existing.

Well, fuck those people. It is my theory that a person should not be considered a functioning member of society until she or he has had a really shitty (ideally, embarrassing) customer service job. One that involves a uniform is best, especially if the uniform includes a hat and/or bow tie.

I am jealous of these free money collectors, however. I have at least two friends who have sugar daddies who they don't even have sex with, and I am the most jealous of those people.

So I am seeking a Sugar Daddy. I want someone who is rich and good looking who will take me out to dinner and to shows and will buy me groceries and new shoes from DSW, and not even the sale rack at DSW. I want to own a piece of clothing that never once belonged to someone else. I want to cook and eat something that had to die first. I want an umbrella. I want a haircut.

In exchange, I will provide the Sugar Daddy with the pleasure of my sparkling wit and salty vocabulary. They can touch my hair and can choose which shade of red lipstick I will wear on our nights out on the town. At the end of the night I can leave a conspicuous lipstick print on his collar for him to show his friends as evidence of his conquest, and then he can give me a high five (or a terrorist fist jab if he's a hep cat) before dropping me off at my apartment. This part is important: I will not have sex with a sugardude.

So if you'd like to give me money and buy me things in exchange for the pleasure of my company, I would love to hear from you.